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Here's my resolution : I'm letting Go

Senior year- it's not as cracked up as I thought it would be. I thought last year sucked. My health sucks, my parents decided to get divorced, my grandpa died, but I had my friends.
I lived in a house with 50 women. I had no space, no alone time. I was crowded. But I had a get-away. I went to Chad's. He and John where there for me through a lot last year. When my parents split up last year I lived there for days. I needed away from 50 women and I needed the two guys in my life that got me. what happened along the way?

I spent the summer here, in Eugene. I lived with chad, we shared a room. Things were great I got the one opportunity to Live with my best friend. I can't tell if he changed. or i changed. or if it ruined our friendship. Things just are not the same. I feel so alone these days, I don't know if its the fact that I don't have to go over to his place for a hide-away because I live on my own now. But Our relationship is not the same, and I miss it. A lot. I don't know if its the fact that I became close with his brother. I don't know what it is but I miss my best friend. A lot.

This year has just been different. I'm not used to not having my friends upstairs or down the hall. Im not used to the quiet all the time. I miss having the study outside of my room. But at the same time i feel like I've grown up. I feel like I've moved on from Chi Omega. Granted I know that mansion, the girls, the sisterhood will always hold a place in my heart, its just not what it used to be. I don't know if its the fact that I'm growing up thats changing my point of view on all of these things or if its just my view on life. I see my friends and their senior pledge class living up their senior year and going to the bars and doing all of these fun things, but here i am alone in my apartment not doing any of these things.

I guess I've always felt like i'm missing out on something and I always try to make an effort to change it. TO change my actions, but I don't think I ever actually pull through, or when I do someone else falls through.

Things last year with my friends just seemed so perfect. I had this great one-on-one relationship with chad. I had Lbby, Scott, john and Jake. The five of us were always together. going on trips doing everything together.

I miss the late night study sessions at the libs with john and chad. I miss the movies on the couch. I miss palm springs. I miss the beach. I miss the talks, and the walks. I miss everything about last year, but the pain.

I'm Letting it all go.

I'm standing in the Background...

I've built a wall around my heart. I don't think i can let anyone in.
This past year has been emotionally and physically draining for me. I can't handle any more stress or heart ache. It's like I'm looking from a distance, Standing in the background. Have you ever felt like you're standing in the middle of a crowded room and everyone is moving around you talking, and mingling and you're just standing there invincible as though no one can see or hear you. in those moments all I want to do is scream.

I guess this past week has been weird. On Sunday night my mom called me and basically told me that she and my dad decided to put the divorce on hold and try to work on things. in that moment i thought that was the only phrase I wanted to hear my mom say for the past year. My reaction was not what i expected...
after I hung up from her I started crying. hysterically crying and it wasn't a happy cry. It took me a while to figure out what this emotion was.
I guess I'm just scared. I'm scared that it won't work out. I think my dad is not in the right place to change who he is to fit into the man my mom needs him to be. I just feel like this is going to fail again. and I fear having that conversation that it didn't work out and they are really getting divorced this time. I can't handle that conversation. I hope that if it does need to happen my parents will just look at me and I'll know. because physically hearing. listening. and comprehending those words will break my heart. and I'm not sure i'll be able to fix it this time. I already feel like I lost my family twice. i don't need it to happen a third time.

Divorce and separation on these terms is such a selfish act. The two parties involved never seem to think of who else this decision is going to affect. and the severity of this act.
I don't think I can handle round two of this and these emotions.
Does it make me a bad person that I don't want to talk to my parents? Every time my mom calls I silence her call. I can't talk to my dad. To hear that your dad has gone on dates with other women... freaks me out. Children are not supposed to hear those things. Why do my parents feel the need to share these experiences and emotions with their children. I can't deal with this. This can't be happening to me. I won't let it...

Happiness...here we go again

I am going to be a little motivational speaker here. And actually, I have thought about going into motivational speaking a time or two. However, I never really had a huge platform to go from. Like in high school, when motivational speakers came to speak at our school, they were either from West LA and were a part of a gang and overcame a shooting and realized how much life they had been wasting, or they were handicapped people that had lost a leg but still could see life as good. I always left those assemblies feeling bad about myself, because if I had a bad lunch, I couldn’t seem to see life as good sometimes. And I guess I have all my legs and I won’t join a gang anytime soon, so I don’t really know how I would do in the whole “motivational scene.” Anyway, I’ll give it a try in the next few paragraphs…

First, let me start with this…I have wondered about happiness. I’ve thought a lot about whether or not it’s situational, based on circumstances or conditions, or some odd number of variables and ideas that create the “perfect” combination when your stars line up and you have a good day. If that’s the case, does that mean that happiness just sort of comes and goes – and we can never achieve “happiness” constantly and indefinitely?

I think there are different sorts of happiness’s in life. For example, there’s the happiness you get from a friends kind words or little gesture. Like when you receive a letter from a friend that lives across the country: it’s a little bit of happiness that sheds into your life. Or when the restaurant has fountain diet coke instead of a coke can, yes…just what you had been looking for all day. That’s nice. It’s eating a great cupcake, or laughing because the guy in the car next to you is picking his nose. Because those sorts of things make me happy. There is another sort of happiness that we experience, like when it really does feel like your stars line-up and you get a job that you want, or have an amazing first date with someone you weren’t too sure about. It’s a fun day with someone amazing, because you laughed about who knows what for far to long, or it’s a sense of accomplishment after you rocked at work on a really intense project and your boss says, “Way to go Staci.” This sort of happiness is a little more of a long-term feeling than the first one I described, but not as long-term as a third kind of happiness. The kind of happiness comes from when something feels right. I can’t really describe it– and I think that’s what makes it the biggest and greatest “kind,” because it isn’t produced from one simple act or experience. This kind of happiness makes me believe that happiness isn’t about a group of “things” happening – that happiness isn’t just situational, but that maybe really it is a state of being that you can live in. It’s when you are where you want to be – and there isn’t anywhere else you would want to be, regardless of everything else going on in life. It could be while you’re climbing a 14er and no matter how much air you are sucking in, and how bad the blisters are, you are simply happy. The people that have decided that happiness can actually be a little more long-term then most relationships that we experience here on earth, or most events that last an evening or a long weekend attain this sort of happiness. It’s believing that happiness is a state that we can exist in, and be in, and stay in – regardless of how bad our day at work may be, or how good (or not so good) those cupcakes are.

For me, achieving that “long term happiness” deal is based on me. It’s not relying on others to make or break me, or count on things and events to help produce happiness in my life – but it’s figuring out what makes me tick, and happy, and living out of those things. Because ultimately, we are the ones that have to do it for ourselves, and as cliché as it sounds, if we aren’t happy with ourselves, then we will never find true happiness anywhere else. We’ll keep looking and we’ll be stuck in happy ups and not so happy downs that will control us everyday. We won’t really be living out of our heart (and what helps create joy for us), but instead we’ll be hardly really living at all.
This is a hard concept for me to get. It’s like the girl in high school that always needs a boyfriend because she thinks she will die without one. Ok – you won’t die. In fact, you’ll be actually very ok and most likely will still have a date to Homecoming. But it’s actually knowing that and breaking away from thinking that it’s solely the guy that can make you happy, because it can’t be the guy. It has to be you, with or without the guy, you know? I’m not saying I get worried about not having a date to homecoming and my happiness is reliant on things and other people – but I think I often overlook my well being and overall happiness, and instead let others tell me if I’m happy or not, or if I should feel good today or not. It’s a pretty shady way to live. I would love to tell someone that I am happy – and even if I can’t explain why – I’d be so confident in my self and therefore live that happiness out…day after day.

I’m not saying that the little things in life shouldn’t bring us joy and make us smile and a little happier every day. I am saying that maybe the little things should be the icing on the cake to an already established, pretty good sense of being. And I’m also not saying you will always be happy and we’ll live happily-ever after. That’s nonsense and I’ve learned, after nearly 22 years of existing, it is not going to be the case. And that’s ok. I’m just saying that being “happy,” like really truly happy and content is something that that we can’t bank on to find from others or “things.” It is a way to live, a mindset, if you will…that is 100% up to us.
So here i sit in a bed that has chads sheets my comforter and all of his things in the room. I'm living with two boys and sharing a room with one of them. its great. i love it!
This has been a crazy summer. it started with moving three times in two weeks. living with 4 boys and alexa. John was diagnosed with cancer, he went home. Matt was diagnosed with cancer hes going through chemo at home. Summer school running introDUCKtion, coaching volleyball camp, working for my dad, getting a job at the Leadership resource office, and now finally having a little bit of a summer.
Chad went home last week while i was in lake oswego, bevan (chads brother who moved in with us) called me because the poor kid knows no one. He was all alone in eugene all weekend. so we've been spending some quality time together. hes like my brother I love the kid.
its been a rough summer though dealing with john and matts cancer has hit me a little harder than i had imagined. My parents divorce has been interesting my dad moved out and into a condo at the other end of the lake. Its been a lonely summer. Its senior year and I don't know whether i've changed or my friends have. or maybe its just summer and this is how summer is. but I feel like i'm slowly moving away from my high school friends who have been very prominant in my college life. but i feel them slowly slipping away. I caught myself staring at this picture frame i made a few years ago of me and some friends and i had written this quote, "my best friends walk in when the rest of the world walks out" i realized that i think i need to take the pictures out because that quote no longer applies to the people in the photos. So much has happened this year and they have not been there for me. i dont know its weird to think this is my last year with most of my college friends.
Things are different with john hes been gone for a month and things just are different with him, it gave me a little taste of what its going to be like once hes graduated and moved home. I don't think we will talk much, which is sad. I hope this year is different. there is something there... i know it... I love this picture of us from when we went to palm springs.

so like i mentioned earlier chads brother bevan moved up here with us. i wasn't too stoked on the idea at first because bevan and i had talked on the phone once and he didn't seem that fun... boy was i wrong. i love this kid. hes like my brother but better. chad and i well we are like an old married couple. we share everyhing we fight we make up and we do it all over again. we cook for eachother we clean up after eachother we watch movies. so chad is a saver he owns two house hes starting a company but hes very stingy with his money. i usually have to take him out to dinner to even get him to get out of the house.
So i was not expecting to get much more than that out of his brother. Oh no bevan the kid is great he just dropped out of school (it wasn't his thing) hes working construction, but i love the kid

he does anything and everything with me. He doesn't just sit on his ass and save his money which is smart but chad won't even go to a movie or grab a beer. bevan is so sweet he even walked me two blocks to subshop last night cuz he didn't want me to walk alone! sweet heart! bevan or Beaver as i like to call him has totaly made my summer! so he and i are here alone for two weeks til chad comes home, then i move out and bevan is going to AZ. So i'm really just having fun with beaver before i move out! sad

So i guess thats the update its been awhile...

and she falls down...

My world just crumbled.
my parents decided to get a divorce. this has been the absolute worst three month of my life.
sums it up pretty well. I just took a lot of pain killers. hopfully this feeling will pass.

its been awhile.



wow. its been awhile since i've writen a post. This term has slowly torn me to pieces. The boys above have kept me sane and alive. Its chad on the left, John, and erich. I love these boys. Chad has been there for me through all the shit that has been thrown at me this term. I just met john and Erich this term and am quickly becoming close with John and Erich. Over the past few weeks i've developed a likeing to john. Hes probably the sweetest kid right up there next to chad. John is more my type. Hes a little more relaxed in the religious department. hes starting his own company. he golfs. hes sweet. hes successful, funny, genuine, a good cook and an all around amazing guy.
its weird being around chad who has this goal of being married by the time hes 24 has really started me thinking about marriage. I have never been in a rush to get married but its been 3 years now i've been in college and have had one boyfriend. now this boyfriend was a douche bag and was 7 years older than me... so that doesn't really count. There has always been qualities in chad that i love i see him being a great husband to whomever he marries. Sometimes i've been a little reluctant with him and his girlfriends because deep down i could see us getting married. we basically are already. i basically live at his house. we cook meals for eachother. we go out together go to the library (which is where we currently are together.) but now that i've been hanging out with john i see myself with someone like him. I finally feel like i found my good group of friend in college that is outside of the sorority. I have friends but i feel like when my world falls apart as it has done this term they are the ones i turn to. Over spring break i'm going to a wedding with chad his best friend from high school is getting married. thats so weird to me. but its something i'm getting used too. I know you have so much time, but at the same time being married young would be fun.
Its weird for the first time (granted we aren't even dating which may seem creepy) but finally seeing all the qualities in one guy that you want to marry....

its never ending.

So my 120 page research paper is due next wednesday the 29th of November. Wow I can't wait to be done. Though I still have about 30 pages left to do this weekend its finally coming together. I can't believe it. My other really hard class this term was writing for the media. I had to pass the Language Skills diagnostics test (LSDT) last year to get into the class and if you get more than 2 grammatical mistakes on a paper in this class you get an automatic F. Well ontop of my research paper and working 15 hours a week i managed to pull off all B's and maybe some A's on my papers which i'm pretty damn proud of. I wrote a profile on my cousin Erin and it turned out really well my first draft of it i got a B + so i will be getting an A on that. its nice to know I am a decent writter. It gives me something to look forward too.
anyway amongst all this crazy school work i was approached at my barn dance prefunk (while i was wasted) by some seniors in my sorority. They all told me I should apply for Panhellenic VP of Recruitment ( I would run ALL of SORORITY RECRUITEMENT FOR UofO) I thought they were crazy, it wasn't something i saw me being capable of. Well the seniors kept encouraging me and telling me i could do it, so i applied. I had to give a 3 minute speech on what i wanted to do with the position, answer 2 minutes of questions. So I did it. I ended up getting the Position. Its kind of a really big deal. and its weird. I guess i've always looked up to older girls in positions like this and just seen them as the older girls who were ready and fit these positions perfectly. its weird to think that is me now. I am going to be a senior next year, I'm just as old as anyone else who would have thejob.
So this job is going to keep me in eugene this summer. I have to run year round recruitment I am actually holding a work shop right when we get back from winterbreak for Continuous open recruitment, with all of the recruitment chairs. its weird to think i'll be in charge. I have to interview and pick a staff, run Fall Formal recruitment next fall, run greek sneak peek, intermingle, introducktion, week of welcome just when i thought my life was going to calm down it picks up. its weird when you odn't really have confidence in yourself to accomplish something, but others do.

soundtrack to my life

Today was one of those days. The days where its a gray sky. I walked to class on the perfect parts of the day where the blue sky was attempting to break through the dark clouds. I put on my ipod as i walked to class and it was like everyone was in the mood that matched the song i listened to in my headphones. It is was a slightly depressing song. but it matched the moment perfectly. A soothing gloomy song. It was a perfect moment. it was a good day.
what would you describe me as?
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Feb. 9th, 2006

i thought i broke things off... why is it im finding im still being called sweety.. and why am i going out on a date this weekend. what happened...

im not strong enough for this.